is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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