Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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