somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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