Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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