i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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