oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
