she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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