two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
