I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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