i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
