He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
