i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
