God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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