Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I need to calm my uterus...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
