My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
