Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
