if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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