Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
