Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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