Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
