No stitches, just platelets and will power
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
