i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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