I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
