1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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