dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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