My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
