I think I am morally bankrupt
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
