I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
