Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
