Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
