May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
