i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
