So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
