my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
