Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
