my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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