I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
