can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
