Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
