I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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