Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
