youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
