Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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