My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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