I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
