You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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