K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
did i walk over a car last night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
