she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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