do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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