I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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