My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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