Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
