last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
