my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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