i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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