If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
